Incest is Best Story

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Incest is best

By Danny Shea
Princetonian Contributor

    My mom used to yell at me and my brother for the way we'd play with our sisters. "Don't be so rough with them!" she'd say. "Keep your hands to yourself!" she'd scream. "Jesus, Danny, get your tongue out of her mouth!"

    Maybe mom wasn't ready for it, but I think I was on to something. Our society has built up walls where we should be breaking down barriers. We are instructed to love our family members but discouraged from expressing this love physically.

    We grow up drinking our milk from our mothers' breasts but are forced to stop before we both can enjoy it. We've stigmatized otherwise innocent words like "incest" and "inbreeding" and "motherf-cker." As Susan Powter would say, it's time to stop the insanity.

    These days, everybody's talking about the breakdown of the American family. No more family dinners, parents who don't know their children, a loss of traditional family values.

    Some will say it's because our women have returned to work; others because technology has limited the time we spend with each other. Regardless of the cause, I think we all can agree that the way to fix these problems is sex.

    But sleeping with your family members has benefits beyond just restoring family values. Think of how much easier it will make your life. Instead of coming home from work and scouring Craigslist for hours trying to score a quickie, you can look forward nightly to some sweet familial satisfaction.

    And it cuts down on travel time extensively. You thought the girl next door was convenient? Imagine the girl down the hall! With the money you save on gas costs alone, you can probably buy the house a sweet hamster. And that kind of generosity to the family will definitely score you points with the sis.

    As if that's not enough, the sex is simply better. It's well documented that people find themselves irresistibly attractive. And who looks more like you than your genetic equivalents? Translate that sexual tension into a wild time in the sack.

    Plus, we're much better at articulating demands if we're comfortable with our partner. Remember how back in summer camp in seventh grade you shared a bunk with that really smelly kid but couldn't muster the courage to tell him to shower? Well think of all the times you've called your sister a smelly bitch and just imagine what that comfort level could do for the sex.

    And you've gotta admit, there's something hot about tasting the forbidden fruit, about enjoying the one thing society says you can't have. First timers, get ready for some toe-curling.

    Having sex with your family members makes sense on a deeper, more psychological level, too. It combines the emotional aspects of the most deep-rooted bonds with the most physical act of bonding that two humans can share. Even Freud would say it's a win-win. If we spend our lives searching for a mate to replace our mothers or fathers, can we do better than to pick our siblings? I don't think so. And you can say goodbye to in-laws, which is always a plus. I honestly wonder how this never took off before.

    Now I understand that a lot of people might have some hangups about this, and it's difficult waking up after the first time and realizing you just nailed your sister. But the key to finding incestuous pleasure lies in releasing yourself from societal inhibitions and allowing yourself to relax.

    Yes, it's just like anal. And just as anal isn't the extent of any couple's sexual regimen but rather a healthy enhancement, familial relations should be, too. So reject narrow-mindedness, open yourself up to the possibilities, and explore the world of physical pleasure that lies right there within your own front door.

    Feeling homesick will never be the same again.

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