COG ex COG Carol Mothers and penises vicarious climaxes

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 I have written repeatedly about the mystical relationship between mothers and their sons' penises, overt in the case of our post-Children of God communities, subtle but no less extant in the wider world. From the moment of circumcision to the moment of its first penetration of a vagina, the penis is an object of fascination to mothers, who in fact influence their sons sex lives in very subtle, yet very effective, ways. The most interesting aspect of this is how mothers handle their boys' puberty, during the period when there is supposed to be transference of penile attention and attraction from mother to girl outsider. This was, of course, the essence of Mom's Friend's beliefs and teachings: dealing with the urges that come to boys and girls at puberty, and encouraging their release through safe sex. Transference ("breaking away") is never seamless, and it is sometimes psychologically confused. That is, I suppose, one of the problems of the human condition. For us, a mother's responsibility in her boys' sexual life is fulfilled when she sees his growing or grown penis within its first (or second, or third) girl's vagina. Few of the boys I grew up with would have been embarrassed by an erection in the presence of their moms; all would, I think have been proud to show off seduction, orgasm and ejaculation. Indeed, while I was not keeping score, it seems to me that 100% of the post-pubescent girls and women who lived at least a month at Mom's Friend's House had oral sex in front of anyone who cared to watch. Why should their sons (and daughters) act any differently? I wrote earlier about how mothers feel a serious obligation to see their sons through their first sex experience, and I wrote about some mothers of handicapped boys who have felt the need to masturbate them; I won't repeat the discussion here. relevant part translated at: I wrote, too, about how girls and women I have known, committed to fulfilling their own needs and rights in matters of sex and orgasm, tended to demand a leadership role in orchestrating their early physical sex, not just in enabling it. And how they have brought up their daughters to assert themselves at whatever adolescent age those daughters saw fit. One may appear demure and shy, but the object is never, in reality, to lose control, never to be dominated. So long as nudity and nudism were common currency, and modesty and inhibition banished, it is unsurprising that girls liked to show off to friends and family and that their younger sisters would want to copy them once they were physically and emotionally ready to do so. Girls have a certain possessiveness over the penis at hand, and I know that most girls -- even if prevented from doing so by social norms -- would like nothing better than to be seen by family and friends with that penis in hand, in mouth, in vagina. They would like to be seen with semen, and a smiling, satisfied, gratified boy next to her, his sticky penis slowly shrinking, his eyes glued to her breasts. (That so many girls think and feel that way is shown by the paltry wages paid to porn stars. But, as Mom's Friend would say, there are better wages in intellectual pursuits and the professions; and better and more loyal and more generous men are there to be attracted and aroused, even in Our Town.) The assimilation of sexual expression to religious devotion was a major factor in this, as indeed it has proved to be in many sects, including Jonestown, Waco, Pops's cult and an expatriate community in Baja California that I have learned about and hope to visit. (Nudism can, of course, be sexy or not; but make no mistake, even innocent naturism has its sexy sequel, even among naturist adolescents.) It is true that adolescents are the most eager to show off their sex. Mom would be more discreet; on the other hand her door was never locked and scarcely ever closed -- especially during those years when we shared a room -- and I was welcome (in the event that I cared to do so) to watch her take a man's penis into her mouth and to see her play with his semen. For one thing, we believed that semen was a vehicle of Holy Communion; for another the miracle of arousal and erection was too precious to hide. As long as I could remember as a little girl, Mom had a poster of Luis Abolafia on her wall. Abolafia had been a self-styled presidential candidate of the "Nude Party" in the 1960s, and, as Mom repeatedly pointed out, he really did have a lovely penis. It seems that Mom had met him at some point. She was devastated when he died, apparently of a drug-induced heart attack, on October 30, 1995 in Los Angeles. I think you will agree, Dear Reader, that his penis, visible in his photo illustrating a Spectator article on the Exotic-Erotic Ball that he founded in the 1980s, is quite above the average in loveliness. For his campaign posters, one of which Mom had in addition to a fully nude one, his penis was covered by his hat, and there was a printed campaign slogan, "What have I got to hide?" Mom used to tell me that I should imagine that penis, fully erect, with a drop of seminal fluid at its tip: ready for sex. The throes of sex, Mom would say, are the closest we ever get to God. The erect and tense penis and the dilated vagina are God's highway. (Small children are taught fear and disgust over sex organs; it is no wonder, Mom would say, that there are deviants, perverts and predators about. In Mom's theology, we should anticipate beauty and ecstasy; puberty is the signal that we have been blessed, that we have capacity that would be tragic to waste. Children needed to be kept safe; but contrary to the social police and false prophets, knowledge was an invitation to sin but rather a protective shield against predators. We would know, instinctively, when we were ready. And by following the rules (age, consent, etc.) we would be safe. As, indeed, we were.) The attitude towards sex that we inherited from our mothers rejects the whole notion of voluntary, satisfying sex as any way demeaning to women. Not necessarily love but certainly romance and respect of a mutual sort were prerequisites to sex. The measure of that was that it really would be unthinkable for most of us to close our eyes while making love to a penis with tongue and lips: the sense of a penis stiffening in our mouths, the facial expression of the boy as he nears ejaculation, the feel and sight of streaming semen are part and parcel of our theology and our sexuality. This attitude was strongest among those of us girls who lived and grew up in shared homes like that of Mom's Friend, and in communes and mothers' refuges. But it existed too once a girl came to visit and attended our dances: if she did not share our outlook, it was unlikely she would have come in the first place, to dance with a new boy, the two of them nude and his penis fiercely erect. Indeed, as it always was a general rule -- for very practical, protective reasons -- that boys (except for those who lived with us) and fathers were unwelcome without an accompanying girl or woman, brothers and sisters often danced in plain view of each other. With no hint of embarrassment over erection over mouth full of semen, or over all the happiness that came from such events. I would have nothing but contempt for a father who was anything but delighted over his daughter's orgasm and over seeing her, nude, with semen dripping from mouth or vagina. As I have repeatedly pointed out, no sister or mother has cause for embarrassment at her brother's or her son's erection or ejaculation. Once one accepts that virginity has no intrinsic value and is best disposed of early in life, the sight of a penis penetrating virginal daughter or sister is cause for celebration: she was well rid of that impediment, that obstacle to fun and bliss. The mingling of blood and semen, in our theology, had special symbolism. Every girl, from the time her breastlets are first noticeable to boys, feels the attraction and the electricity. To the extent there is social pressure, in our community it was for her to respond to boys' attraction and to boys' erections and for her to learn from experience. As soon as she physically and emotionally was able. And in our community, a mother would have brought her boy up to know his obligation to satisfy his partner, and that more than half of girls can reliably reach orgasm only with tongue on clitoris. If the boy had seen his mother at sex, so much the better; but he would certainly have seen sisters and other girls at orgasm in Mom's Friend's House or in the back yard: a boy with his tongue in her vagina then, typically, the girl pulling him up by his armpits so that his erect penis could enter her. Or else they would change places and she would lick and massage his penis and take and show off his semen. The story was different for visitors, as you can see from some of the anecdotes I set out: however uninhibited a mother might think her son or daughter to be, living in a nuclear family rather than a commune setting means that he or she is bound to be more or less ill at ease when first challenged to perform physical sex. However many times a girl has, in her imagination, taken a penis in her mouth, the reality will surprise her. Dealing daintily with a mouth full of semen is always awkward, and never more so than the first time. However confident a boy is that he can get and keep an erection without any help from the girl, reality may disappoint. Little kids running around may pretend not to watch, and they certainly should not be forced to do so; but their mere proximity to well-adjusted, sexually active adolescents having obvious fun makes for a positive learning experience. In our community, the sight of a girl with semen dripping from her mouth and a boy's penis in her hand was about as sexy and arousing and vicariously satisfying a sight imaginable. I have never seen such love on a boy's face as I have on such an occasion: his first or her first experience. To my mind, the urge to share the secret of sex for most (not all) kids is a matter of generosity and selflessness. After all, the kid may not yet be fully developed and certainly will not know how to give the partner optimum pleasure. That urge, though, gives the lie to the assumption that oral sex is or could be, for a girl, in any way diminishing or demeaning. Perhaps it is profitable to sell to misogynists images of embarrassed or humiliated women with semen dripping off their faces, but it is a fraudulent presentation of womanhood. A falsehood further demonstrated by the banality and ordinariness of oral sex among 12- and 13-year-old girls today. It is said that half of kids in their mid-teens engage in it more or less regularly, although it is hard to know if there are more liars who say they do, or more who say they don't. Yet to admit of this is would go against the moral pretensions and the suppressive-oppressive religious indoctrination of mainstream Americans. Especially in the pre-Clinton years, so it was probably just as well that -- mainly for reasons of health and safety and security from prying authorities and social police -- we lived our lives in a more or less closed community of likeminded mothers and children. There was, of course, serious litigation over Moses David and his Children of God, notably the Ward case. The judgment of Lord Justice Ward appears in a number of places on the Web, including It sets out some of the beliefs and practices of the sect in the matter of youthful sex. Of course in the 21st Century when oral sex is such common currency among young kids, stories of our own past adventurism probably lack novelty and ability to shock. Our mothers' had enjoyed 1960s-era sexual freedom. But that was pre-HIV, and they grew up at a time when "if a girl did not go to bed with a boy, it could only be because she didn't like him". We had The Pill too, and it was by ring-fencing our community that our mothers sought to share their sexual awakening with us. And, following David Berg's teaching, they did that as soon as we were physically able to appreciate it. I don't know how many parents have sex in sight of their kids, but I suspect it's a lot more than is commonly thought. And I know that lots of kids have sex at home in total oblivion to their parents or anyone else watching, and that nude dances today -- like ours of a few years ago -- are very, very common. There is something entirely natural, appealing and delightful about a boy dancing close to his girl, his erect penis pressed against her body, her breasts against his chest, as their sexual electricity escalates into a desperate need. For me, that need as often as not led to mutual oral sex so that my partner and I could explore each other intimately and invasively and exchange bodily fluids at the peak of mutual arousal. Always we would end up with penis in vagina and he would have a second orgasm; and we would resume dancing until the music finally stopped. The sight of others in such embrace was incredibly moving: I have written often about the Big Breasted Girl and how, arriving at the dance with her partner, uncertain over sex, she watched us, transfixed as the 16-Year-Old Boy and I made mutual oral love. She turned her attentions to her own boy's stiff penis and her demeanor changed from innocence to commitment: "The Big-Breasted Girl obviously loved her date and wanted to please him. She wanted to do as I had done. She was eager to begin having sex but she was apprehensive. I told her to be calm and warned her that her first time might be disappointing but that it should not be painful. I got her some contraceptive foam and helped her insert it. I got her a pillow. I urged her to relax. I told her date what he had to do: that he should kiss and lubricate her vagina as The 16-Year-Old Boy had done to mine. After a slight hesitation, he went to work. He kissed and sucked and massaged her vaginal opening, perhaps a bit too aggressively. When she seemed ready for him to proceed, when the state of her vagina showed arousal, I told him he should embrace and kiss her and to try to make her less tense. He did so, but now his pulsating erect penis was positioned above her vagina, stiff as could be, glistening, ready to move downwards. His breathing and his eyes suggested an inability to restrain himself any longer. His penis, poised for entry, was gorgeous: circumcised, shiny, smooth, just a tiny drop of liquid at its tip. The boy held it with two fingers and pointed it where he thought it should go; then he lowered his hips. The girl cried out weakly. He had hit the wrong place. I reassured them. I have a vision of putting a bit of my saliva on the end of his penis with my fingers and then guiding the penis to its destination as he again thrust his lower body downwards. There was an electric moment, one of realized anticipation. As the penis entered her vagina, the girl moaned slightly. Perhaps she had felt her hymen rupture. Then she smiled. Her date seemed to gain in confidence, and he began moving his penis in and out with a steady cadence. He lifted himself by his elbows and looked down, as if to reassure himself that his penis was indeed in her vagina, and that he was truly having sex. He looked back up, gratified; his eyes met hers; they gazed at each other intently." Mom and Mom's Friend stayed in touch with many of the people they had known in the Church. I've written about kids who would come to our dances, or come from some distance away to stay for a few days or weeks. More than once an older sister would drive her brother over. While those who lived with us typically became sexually active at age 13 or even younger, invariably before age 15, not unsurprisingly kids who only visited were on average a couple of years older. The "closed circuit" rule -- which Mom's Friend counted on mothers to enforce -- meant that most of those kids were having their first real sex at our dances, or at least at our house. As I have written, some girls and mothers would opt for a defloration party, and the girl would sit on a bed, nude, with a couple of her friends around, usually equally nude, while a selected boy would enter the room, his penis rising as he saw the girl, legs apart, waiting for him. Since oral sex was, to us, the essence of foreplay, and the girl should reach orgasm before the boy's penis deflowers her, that first experience was almost always a delight for the girl. Unlike most accounts of defloration I hear about from girls in the wider world. Or, indeed, my own, which happened by accident as I engaged in horseplay, nude, with a boy in the first house we lived in. I learned from that how important oral sex is for most girls, including myself; and things only got better for me from then on. Sometimes I had cause to wonder just how "inexperienced" a deflowered girl actually was. In particular, the girl who, without prompting, grasped her legs above her knees and pulled them wide apart, exposing her vagina for the boy to kiss and suck and giving free access when he was ready to put his penis in. I supposed her mom had told, or shown her: lots of moms, and not only in our circle, train their girls from the youngest age to be sexy and to anticipate boys and penises and their needs and wants. It's a sort of competition to make the girl grow up irresistible, and to have her pick of best and richest penis and lifestyle. Anyway, that girl wanted to watch everything happening: her head was bent down and she stared at the tip of the boy's penis as it entered her for the first time. She'd reached orgasm, as she was supposed to, from his manipulation and caressing of her clitoris with her tongue. His penis inside her, her head fell back against the pillows, exhausted, and the boy carried on with his strokes until he came inside her. Really, the only thing different about these events was that the mother was there: I know now that they happen all the time among groups of girls and boys. Peer pressure brings girls to want to be sexually active. And a lot of this, today, is in front of friends. Well, why not? At just under 12 years old, I was younger than most girls to start sex, and Mom always felt sorry that she hadn't been aware that I was ready. Or else, she said, she'd have offered me a party too, which would have been nice. Instead I was left on my own. I've written about how, shortly afterwards, I decided to learn more about boys' penises and I took one into my mouth in the basement. When the boy ejaculated into my mouth it took me only seconds to decide that I liked the flow and feel and taste of semen. But that was the natural result of my education and growing up in a culture where sex was important and where every human being was felt to have the right to the religious experience of orgasm. It was a girl from that culture who would bring her 13-year-old brother to visit us, and who would organize a girl, perhaps me, to make a fuss over her brother's penis and to love it to bits and to swallow his semen. Boys are, of course, different, and would have to overcome -- if they hadn't grown up around us -- a certain surprise and resistance to see his sister playing with another boy's penis, making it stiff, taking it into her mouth and her vagina, and really having fun. That, I think, would be a greater welcoming test for a boy bent on joining our community, and it's why boys were not always present to watch a defloration and why Rev. Mary had excluded them entirely It's also just one more reason why it is so important that, after the first kisses and caresses, a boy proceed next to cunnilingus. This invariably defuses any issue -- irrational or not -- in the mind of brother or father about the girl taking the penis of a strange boy into her mouth and bringing it to ejaculation. However deeply ingrained the theology of holy semen, of divine communion, no male is completely free of social prejudice and ignorance, of gender bias and discrimination. It isn't only Muslims who perpetuate such damage. A sister could marvel and exclaim over her brother's penis (like a mother over her son's) in a way that brothers never could over their sisters' sex however much they accepted the intellectual and theological basis for it and her physical need to do it. Another point is, of course, that boys typically mature a year older than girls, and lots of times boys were pressed into having sex before their penises were fully mature. As far as I was concerned, as long as they had confidence and erection it really didn't matter how much semen they produced. In fact, in a girl's first months of having oral sex it was better if they didn't have to deal with too much semen, which could get out of hand, so to speak. It takes a certain facility of tongue and responsiveness to flow for a girl to corral all the semen in the base of her mouth and then, perhaps, to show it off before swallowing it, all while concentrating on continuing to stimulate the boy's penis in its last orgasmic impulses and its last spurts of liquid. A girl who'd done it before and who was being watched would typically draw the penis out of her mouth still coated with semen, then lick it off and swallow it. Sometimes the boy would remain stiff enough to put his penis in her vagina; sometimes that would be for later, or for tomorrow, or for another girl. At the dance itself, though, the constant arousal and re-arousal from a crowd all nude, and all sensuous, and always in sight of a couple approaching orgasm, perhaps in mutual oral sex, would string out the pleasure for hours and hours. Girls in wider society grow up to be fearful of penises, and, by and large, to consider sex parts repellent. After puberty they are expected to change their attitude. For me, and I think for most all the girls I grew up with, penises were cute and there was never any doubt that, "when I grew up", I would want to kiss them and make love to and with them. They were, as I knew, an accoutrement of sex and a part of romance and life. Why female relatives of a boy -- his mother, grandmother, sisters -- should take such vicarious pleasure in their boy's erection and ejaculation is, I suppose, a permanent enigma; but it is nonetheless a fact, for all of that. I recall the scene in the film Angela's Ashes where a group of boys is lined up masturbating and I was impulsively saddened by it, not so much because of the wasted semen, "seed spilt upon the ground", as the fact that the Irish Church had suppressed those boys, and even more the girls of their cohort, instilling guilt and fear. Unlike, of course, the Children of God, which taught that romantic fun was theologically and physically healthy at any age. If a 13-year-old boy had a fine penis but was shy, it is his mother's (or his older sister's) duty to help him overcome the shyness and to help him take confidence and pride in his ability to make love. I suppose that explains the mothers who went even further, and put forward their boy's name to Mom's Friend for a defloration. Mostly Mom's Friend would ignore them, although I remember one time that a particular boy's penis especially impressed her -- why, I don't know. It wasn't so much size, because huge penises are not really a very good idea for deflowering a virgin, but rather the way he carried his penis, and they way his balls moved when he walked. Of course as soon as Mom's Friend said that, I wanted that boy's penis for myself too. That was easy to arrange: I just made sure he had constant sight of my breasts and my smile, and then soon his eyes were riveted on my crotch. The next step was, of course, for me to gaze at his penis. In due course it started to stir. At that point, I owned it, and all its semen, for the rest of the day, until he and him mom went home. Months later, when I'd forgotten all about him, he did get invited to be the boy at a defloration, and it was quite lovely. It was a girl I'd seen very little of, the daughter of someone Mom's Friend had known in the COG, and I think they lived in Nevada. Hardly a place where it's difficult to find youthful sex, but there you are. More often than not a boy's scrotum is tight against his body when his penis is rising and falling; his was looser and it was fun to watch his balls move about. His mother had, I guess, advised him not to rest his body on the girl's, but to lean on his hands and arms. That way his penis and his scrotum were visible to the girl and to all of us. I don't think he had quite the leverage he would have had lying flat, but his penis entered her easily enough and she barely murmured as he ruptured her hymen. After that the girl just smiled, and looked down at the penis, entering and leaving her, nearly horizontally. The boy finished and moved over to embrace her, and while kissing him she moved her hands down toward his penis and felt it all over, wetness and all. I was on the floor watching all of this, and it got so exciting that before I knew it I had my own boy's penis in my hand and I was masturbating it. Eventually he told me to stop, that he was saving it for me for later. It would have been embarrassing if he had ejaculated before the main boy: that is not supposed to happen. There are, as we know, certain boys and men who have a fixation over virgins and defloration. If one is going to devalue the hymen and virginity, then, Mom's Friend said, one oughtn't to encourage or to support such deviance. So she tried to get a boy who was, himself, shy and, perhaps, a virgin -- although that raised the risk of impotence: this was in the days before boys discovered they could take Viagra before their first sex experience and avoid failure. I think I wrote about the relief on a mother's face one time as she brought her son to meet the nude girl and stripped off his underpants, and his penis was already stiff and ready so there was nothing to worry about. Mothers needed the reassurance, it seems, from their boy's penis being ready and hard and sliding effortlessly into the vagina they had lubricated with lengthy kisses and caresses of tongue. On the other hand, there are few penises that can't be made erect by a girl's mouth, and any girl who is eager to start her sex life will be aware that she may have to do her part. And, in fact, there are few girls on the threshold of sex who haven't thought through the matter. Freed of inhibition and prejudice, a girl instinctively knows to kiss and love a penis, to bring reassurance and gratification. If she has learned to view a penis as beautiful and kissable, she will respond naturally and seemingly effortlessly. Once a boy's (healthy) penis is sufficiently erect to penetrate her vagina, the process of arousal will complete itself. And a vagina really wet from lengthy foreplay and kissing should be easy for a young penis to penetrate. The game of learning about, teasing and educating shy and insecure penises was the whole point of my "missionary" years when, at the houseboat and later at Mom's Friend's House I sought out 12- and 13-year old boys and seduced them. My favorite story is the time I did that to a sleeping boy. (OK, the style is, in retrospect, a bit overdone, but the reader gets the point: I was able to get at least to the stage of taking the sleeping boy's penis in my mouth and making it erect before he awoke; and he did ejaculate into my mouth while still slumbering. And Older Girl and Terrific Girl were standing by, nude, as witnesses.) Terrific Girl, then newly pubescent, turned out to become the sexiest and most sensuous girl I know, as well as a lovely friend. I guess watching me that night sparked her interest in the opposite sex, because she began to pay attention to boys, to their penises, and to their arousal. As her breasts grew, boys became increasingly attracted to her. And then she announced her readiness, and got on with the rest of her life much as most of us girls did, with a chosen boy approaching her with her friends about. (There was less spontaneity in first sex than one would have liked, since a girl can't just start taking birth control pills and have sex the same day. As I have written elsewhere, some girls chose to use foam, but our moms' generation had grown up with The Pill, and that was the symbol of their, and our, freedom.) For Terrific Girl, that day, the penis in front of her was for her, erect for her and because of her. We were vicariously excited. She had a boy, to hug and caress and to feel all over; a boy who wanted to feel her breasts and to taste her vagina. Girls didn't always do it, but she wanted to explore and play with his penis first, to kiss and massage and suck and lick it and to tease the boy by bringing him near to ejaculation before she would push his head down between her legs and command him to excite and lubricate her and bring her all the way to orgasm and dilate her vagina. The moment that the head of a penis disappears into a girl's mouth, or her vagina, is so lovely, exciting, dramatic, promising. For those who watch as well as those who perform. Afterwards, the penis inside Terrific Girl's vagina, sliding in and out, the boy tense, apparently adjusting the angle of his penis and the position of his hips to increase friction and trying hard to catch hold of orgasm, seemed just a sequel. She'd had her orgasm, and for her, as for me, virginity was an irrelevance. We saw the penis slide in and out, but the orgasm was the boy's and while it must have felt good for her, she was still in rapture from before. The boy finished and rolled off her, and I told her to feel her crotch and test the semen. She did that, and then she sat up and leaned forward, pushed her boy back onto the bed and started to play again with his now-sticky penis. Soon it was in her mouth and she was squeezing out what semen she could. Then he was hard again; she wanted him to ejaculate some more. The event wasn't a celebration of anything, not even, in her mind, a rite of passage. It was just a new pleasure experienced and a lesson that she would use in attracting and controlling boys for years afterwards. Not every girl is glad to take a penis out of her vagina and put it directly in her mouth, but Terrific Girl and I are, and Mom always ridiculed girls who refused, wondering how they could expect a boy to want to taste and swallow their vaginal mucus if they would not. I've written that I don't much like to take huge penises into my mouth because they are unwieldy. Terrific Girl, though, can handle any penis with finesse and make its owner feel as if he is her first and only and forever lover and that his semen is her elixir. She showed that there is no need to take the whole thing in your mouth, anyway. The point is to bring it firmly and steadily to orgasm and ejaculation. Finesse and enjoyment are, I think, is what Moses David wanted for his children. At least before he got into his pedophilic dotage. Terrific Girl, too, always seemed to know just when a boy was about to ejaculate, which meant that she could marshal the semen on her tongue, or, if young kids were watching, open her mouth while stroking the underside of the penis so that the spurting of semen from its tip was visible. I don't know any other girl who could manage both target penis and onlookers quite so well. At the same time, boys were always staring at her breasts, so watching Terrific Girl was something of a two-ring circus. Not any more, though. As it happens, by the time she was a senior in college Terrific Girl had lost interest in changing partners and had settled down with a single boy. The fact is, I guess, that libertinism loses much of its attraction when, childhood over, it comes at the cost of establishing a stable family life. For us, as I think for most kids who enjoy sex early and often, this is just part of growing up and learning about ourselves and others. While I still get excited at the thought of drawing down a boy's underpants and seeing his penis for the first time, in reality once one has seen a few hundred penises one has seen them all. It's the personality behind them that starts to hold the most excitement, the process of arousal, and mutual orgasm. The point of trying out a lot of penises is to find the best and brightest among them, the boy with the most potential, the boy who is most compatible. But you knew that already. One time a girl and boy arrived at the door whom I took to be brother and sister. The girl's breasts were testing the tensile strength of the fabric of her top; it seemed to me that she was bringing her 13-year-old (more or less) boy to meet us and I assumed her mom was an acquaintance of Mom's Friend. I took them out to the backyard to wait for Mom's Friend and others to get back from the mall, and neither boy nor girl was nonplussed at disrobing once I explained it was our naturist zone. Well, the boy was slow about it, but once I was completely nude he was confident. He looked towards him, and he was facing me, and then, with just a momentary hesitation and a glance towards the girl, already naked, he pulled down his briefs. I had, and have, a sense for boys' thinking and it was obvious this boy was inexperienced. As I said, the rumpled penis of even an inexperienced, nervous and shy boy is likely to reach an acceptable degree of erection once inside a girl's mouth, and so it happened in the course of our lounging about on the back lawn. As he rambled on about school and hobbies my hand wandered towards his penis. It tickled him and he pulled away; but then he seemed to worry that he'd lost me. Meanwhile, the girl who had seemed mostly preoccupied a canned drink, now moved closer and was kneeling a few feet away. His hands moved tentatively towards my breasts, and then he was feeling me all over. I pulled my vulva apart and told the boy he should explore my vagina. After some resistance, followed by urging on the part of the girl, his tongue was in my vagina and when I reached orgasm I let him put his penis there. He thrusted for just a couple of minutes; and with each of his thrusts I saw the girl's hips move in synchronization. Then he gasped and ejaculated inside me. His eyes were wide open with amazement. The girl just sat by, self-satisfied, all-knowing. With the boy's ejaculation, she sat back, making an involuntary forward movement of her shoulders which I took to be an expression of satisfaction that the boy had performed well. Or at least satisfactorily, since he scarcely had met Mae West's standard (her song, "I like a guy what takes his time"). Only afterwards did I find that the eager girl was his mother, and that she was not in her late teens but her late 20s. Not that it made any difference; I'm sure I wouldn't have done anything differently if I had known who she was even though I suppose it technically violated Mom's Friend's rule about a boy having to be sponsored by a teen-aged girl available for sex. That was a rule we broke all the time, and anyway those of us who lived there could always bring our own dates; the concern then was discretion. While girls could be counted on not to make trouble, boys might brag. The point of the attached girl, preferably a sister, was to make that unlikely. The girl had moderate-sized breasts and large, puffy nipples which, I am told, are very much in demand among some classes of men. (Mine aren't so bad either, but that's not the point of this essay.) She did not volunteer any information about herself, or about the boy. This girl spent the next day selecting, and then loving, the penis of one of the older, college boys who'd come over to drink beer, watch TV, and, just perhaps, have sex either with the girl they'd brought along, or a different one. I was amazed to see a half dozen boys seated around her, all in various stages of erection, and a bunch of ignored young girls off to the side, chatting among themselves. I guess I should have known she was older by her critical approach to penises; a younger girl does not normally pick a boy on the sole basis of his penis, although there are exceptions, including one or two mentioned in this essay. Her age told, I think, in the way she inspected and admired first the half dozen eligible penises and then the particular youthful one she decided upon, and how she took it out of her mouth every few strokes to assure herself that it was still as solid and handsome as it had been when she started. When a younger girl does that, it's usually because she hasn't had the experience and developed the skill to keep the penis hard by tickling it underneath or by maintaining constant pressure between tongue and lips and the head of the penis. Then, taking it out and licking underneath will usually make it hard again. But, with an older woman, it usually is narcissism that makes her want to take the penis out her mouth often for all to admire. Once in a while the woman would look over at her son, who, all the while trying not to be obvious in doing so, was keeping tabs on her progress. One of the other young girls saw this little drama, and I guess it made her feel sexy. Before long she had pressed herself against the boy and was gazing in his eyes. And then his hands were on her breasts, and his fingers inside her vulva. And his erection showed that he had confidence, that he had learned technique and that he was ready to proceed. The last I saw of the two of them, the girl was touching her finger to the tip of his penis and then to her tongue, tasting a drop of pre-cum I assume. The two of them would continue to fondle each other all day and all evening, undressed and dressed. It was really touching, especially since I had started him off in his desire and in his confidence. Later on I spoke to Mom's Friend about the incident. Apparently the woman's mother had been flirty fishing for Moses David and the COG in the 1960s. Presumably she herself was a "Jesus baby" like me. I never heard of second-generation Jesus babies, and nobody has enlightened me about the paternity of her son. (And, as an aside, are penises inherited through the paternal or the maternal line, or both?) Mom's Friend was rather dismissive of her and said I could have whatever fun I liked, but that we didn't owe the woman anything. There must have been more to the story because Mom's Friend wasn't usually so dismissive of people, male or female; but I let the matter rest. The two had spent the night, but then Mom's Friend was always hospitable in that way. The boy had wanted to share my bed, but the rule was that at the stroke of midnight all relationships ended for the day; boys and girls slept apart. Unless they cheated; but one didn't want to annoy Mom's Friend excessively: she was the trust fund brat and she wasn't charging any resident or guest more than they could afford. We'd known enough cases of misconduct and eviction to keep us honest. I remember Mom telling me when I was young that adolescent kids just starting out in sex don't need much to set them off in arousal and intercourse, but that older girls and women need a lot more romance and a lot of emotional attention and a lot more kissing and caressing and fondling to put them in a mood for sex. And so it proved to be. What is also true is that, as Moses David seems to have said, younger kids are happy changing partners and learning about each others' bodies, whereas increasing maturity brings some need for stability and thoughts of permanence and family life. So the minuet changes from a dance of teasing and pleasure to a search for a permanent partner. That happens sometime during or perhaps at the end of college. (Well, for me it happened a bit later, but now I do have a loyal and compatible partner.) The penis, then, becomes less an end in itself than a means to an end, so to speak. But by that time, a girl who has grown up in a liberal community of sexual freedom will have learned how to love the penis to its maximum, and how to get her boy to want to explore her vagina with his tongue and assure her the greatest pleasure. And she will have convinced him that no girl, anywhere, can bring him to orgasm to the degree that she can. (But then even in the 1960s "J" wrote in "The Sensuous Woman" about the necessity of learning her "silken swirl" to captivate and capture a man. The same technique is described at: "Try the tongue strokes favored by Spanish women, such as the "silken swirl," in which you slide the head of his penis in and out of your mouth while simultaneously and continuously circling it with your tongue -- it's like rubbing your stomach and patting your head, but with a payoff -- and the "butterfly flick," in which you flick your tongue lightly and rapidly across the corona.") I am appalled at the ignorance and hesitation in matters of sex of many adults, and for that I blame repressive religions and a cynical and hypocritical society. While kids mature at different ages, sometimes at wildly different ages, their exposure to the sight of their peers at sex means that when they are ready there will be no secrets, no fears and no hesitation. A girl may make a mess of herself the first time she tries to coat a penis with semen using her tongue, but the experience should be no less pleasurable for the boy, and in the end lots of fun for her. She may have doubts when a boy has difficulty with an erection, either because he had sex or masturbated just before or because he is apprehensive; but more than likely confidence and persistence will get her where she wants to be and a soft penis in a girl's mouth is fun, too. Once kids reached legal maturity, Mom's Friend didn't care so very much about "age integrity" or "age equality" between partners. At that point the issue got to be the impossibility of regulating outside behavior and protecting the closed community. So, as Mom's Friend said, "condoms will be worn" at that age. That rule fell apart with oral sex, though. While oral sex has its health risks, seemingly HIV is not the major one. The boy, however startled, indeed mesmerized, by seeing his mother with a penis in her mouth rather quickly absorbed that as being the price of his own orgasm. Given the sex games we occasionally played at college and given what I know about nude dances elsewhere, it's somewhat surprising that Mom's Friend's House had rather little of that sort of diversion. Mom and her friend would not have approved, though, of anything that made light of sex, ridiculed anybody or challenged masculinity or femininity. Sex as religion implies taking it quite seriously, even if that seriousness involves ecstasy and ejaculation. If semen in and on a girl, far from being demeaning is a symbol of her holiness, I guess this difference in point of view is understandable. To us, an erection implied God's presence and His approval of whatever rational decision the girl would make. This was connected, too, in Mom's Friend's insistence that a boy and a girl, once aroused, were committed for the day to each other, and only to each other. One could and did see others at sex, but "group sex" in the sense of physical involvement never happened. This was true of Rev. Mary's church community too but it apparently is not the case of numerous others. In part I think it is a class thing: our group was intellectually motivated and our families were educated and professional, and it makes no difference that Mom dropped out of college to join the Children of God. Other groups may be, as they say in English novels, "common" or "trade", or, as is said of certain families in the Ozarks and Appalachia, "uninhibited", "unsophisticated" and even "incestuous". This is something I'm still researching, and I'll get back to you if I find out anything. In retrospect, encouragement of free sexual expression was really the only, or at least the major, difference between us and our peers on the outside. In trying to recapture the 60s freedoms for us, our parents did not at all suppress or combat the rest of our nature and condition. What is interesting to me, though, is that having a sexual outlet did dispose of the taunting and anxieties that otherwise seem to exist between pubescent boys and girls, interfering with their education and their cooperation in extra-curricular matters. One problem that did exist was a tendency on the part of some -- boys especially -- to read into sexual access more than a partner intended. The fact is that a girl -- me especially -- often wanted to try out a boy's penis without committing herself to that boy for more than the day at hand. It could come as a shock to a boy to be told to get lost by a girl whose vagina he had explored with his tongue and who had swallowed his semen the hour or the day before. But then, girls were not free of romantic imagination and unfounded assumption. I have pointed out that these essays deal only with highlights and orgasms, not with the mundane fights over shopping and doing the dishes and laundry, being made to clean up after oneself, intimate medical crises and problems at school. Those who would try to draw broad conclusions from these essays should take note of the narrowness of their focus. Least of all should one assume that we, all of us, had sex every day and with abandon. The only certain sexual liaisons were the nude dances. For the rest, nature took its course: our climaxes were opportunistic. Because we were discouraged by Mom's Friend, for reasons of her own, from too easily forming relationships (although I stayed with the 16-Year-Old-Boy, Mom's Friend's nephew, for over a year) our sexual encounters, while casual, were also complex and dependent on peer approval. Not to mention the rules about age parity, consent and non-coercion, and about female autonomy. Remember: as I have written in the past, when nude as when clothed, we girls wanted to attract and arouse with our bodies. But neither attraction nor arousal necessarily constitutes an invitation to anything, least of all sex. (I have written in past essays about stupid social police who try to prosecute same-aged girls and boys who have sex. Apparently Britain has its share of sociopathic prosecutors: (prosecution of a 15-year-old boy for having sex with a consenting 15-year-old girl). Out of a population of 50 million, there must be more than a million such kids having sex; why pick on those two when nobody talks about prosecuting 12-year old pregnant girls or their consorts, several of whom have been in the news lately?) I leave the essay where I started it. A mother had a mystical relationship with her son's penis that makes her want to manage it from birth to first use. It has been instructive to consider how that relationship plays out in the absence of common social taboos, where mom has constant sight of the filial penis, can measure it in her mind's eye and even, like the family I once met, photograph the kids in the nude from time to time to keep track of their sexual development. Indeed, sexual development is a family project, and as I saw at Rev. Mary's as well as Mom's Friend's, a brother and sister having sex in parallel at a defloration or at a nude dance share in a way that others cannot a vicarious, even common, experience of holiness of sexuality and divine sexual communion. The brother's semen is, after all, the sister's DNA too, and just as there is such a thing as "sibling sexual attraction" of siblings separated at birth and brought together in adulthood, even without direct sexual contact or relationship between them, siblings will have a shared attitude and a shared interest over each other's sex. I have always thought it ludicrous that brothers and sisters and parents should be discouraged or prevented from seeing each other in the nude, and indeed that shame, modesty or inhibition should impede them from having sex with the other present. As I have written, my fondest and dearest hope is to see an eventual pubescent son of mine with his penis in the mouth and vagina of his lover, his (indeed, our) semen visibly welcomed into her body. And a daughter with her lover's stiff penis in her mouth and his holy semen lovingly received and swallowed, perhaps just a trace at a corner of her smile in testimony to her romance and her blessing. I certainly have lived my sex life with my Mom in the wings, and neither of us has kept secrets from the other, ever. Mom, of course, has no son. She's been unwell for some time. Not long ago, I went to visit her and brought along my boyfriend. I shall reserve for a later essay the story of how she longed to see his penis, and how I contrived for that to happen, for her to see it overflowing. She'd seen it many years ago at the houseboat, when it was pubescent and less impressive than it is today. On the other hand, my boyfriend is finishing law school now, and a certain level of decorum must be observed. Or so they say. Love, Carol -- Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | ------ send stories to: <>| | FAQ: <> Moderators: <> | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ |ASSM Archive at <> Hosted by <> | |Discuss this story and others in; look for subject {ASSD}|
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